11:49 AM
Aksh
“I’ve sure gotten old,” said Maury the Snitch. “I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.
I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Sheesh, I can’t even remember if I’m 26, or 62, or 86!
Plus, I’ve lost all my friends….
But thank God, I still have my driver’s license!
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.
“I promised not to tell!” he says.
“Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks.
“No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.”
“Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?”
“No, and I still won’t tell!”
“Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?”
“No,” says the boy.
“Well, son,” says the priest,
“I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.”
Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened.
“Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle.
As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.
“Turn the lake into beer,” he says.
The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer.
He says to the other guy,
“So what do you think?”
The other guy says,
“You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to
someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says.
“But here’s what to do: Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.
“What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.
“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues.
“I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.”
“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter.
“No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.”
“How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks.
Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, “Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”
“Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, “I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”
I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Sheesh, I can’t even remember if I’m 26, or 62, or 86!
Plus, I’ve lost all my friends….
But thank God, I still have my driver’s license!
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.
“I promised not to tell!” he says.
“Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks.
“No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.”
“Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?”
“No, and I still won’t tell!”
“Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?”
“No,” says the boy.
“Well, son,” says the priest,
“I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.”
Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened.
“Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle.
As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.
“Turn the lake into beer,” he says.
The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer.
He says to the other guy,
“So what do you think?”
The other guy says,
“You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to
someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says.
“But here’s what to do: Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.
“What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.
“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues.
“I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.”
“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter.
“No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.”
“How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks.
Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, “Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”
“Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, “I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”
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