April Fool Jokes

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I never do anything that i would get a referl in school for. So one day in 8th grade i asked one of my teachers to write me up. And he did. When i got home my mom was sleeping and my dad was in the living room. I handed him the copy that i got to take home and he read it. while he was reading it u gould see the anger building in him. Then he laughed at the end. My mom comes out of the room awhile later and reads it. While she is reading it she asks me questions like "who was it?" And she luaghed at the end. A this is what it said i had been cuaght by three girls writing that a teacher sucks in the girls bathroom and that i would be suspended for a couple of days and that i would have to by paint to cover it up and at the end it said that i knew that this was a april fools joke my parent were pissed before they read that i knew it was a joke

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Toilet TrickHey, this party was on April Fool's Day, so anything goes, right? Anyway, at the party there were two bathrooms. I went to the busiest one and did my usual medicine cabinet snooping and found some Icee Hot behind the mirror. So, on my way out I smeared the toilet seat with a thin layer of gel.

After I left, I got a beer but positioned myself so I could see if the next person out reacted. Yeah, baby!

The heat hit this chick as she was just leaving. Her eyes popped open and she did a 180 degree turn right back into the bathroom.

Good practical joke: priceless.

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Daylight Spending TimeWhen I was in junior high school my mother played agood trick on my father. She was always an earlyriser (as in 5:00 a.

m.

). My father had to get up at7:00 for work. She went around the house and set allthe clocks to 9:25 or so, then ran frantically intohis room, and woke him up yelling "John! John! Youoverslept!" He was just about out the door before shebroke down and let him in on the joke.

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One April Fools Day, when I was about 15 or 16, I told my mom I was pregnant. It was really funny to see her reaction, but I got in major trouble when I told her I was joking. Some people just don't appreciate a good joke.

..

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The Five Stages Of DrunkenessStage 1 - CLEVERThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVEThis is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICHThis is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLEYou are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLEThis is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPIDAs you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLYNever entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.

Stage 3 - POORHaving crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILEAs you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUSThis is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

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There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.

. this is how their conversation went. Guy 1: Yah.

.I'm originally from Dublin, IrelandGuy 2: REally?

! Me too!

Guy 1: I went to O'Malley Highschool.

Guy 2 : I did too! What year did you graduate?

Guy 1: 1988!

guy 2: Same here!

A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew eachother.

The bar tender replied, " Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again."

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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.

Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,

he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,

so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom."Well, you really tied one on last night," she said."Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,

anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

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A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar. He placed a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY". The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz. The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING". The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.

A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the drunk man and offered to buy this little outfit that he had. After a bit of negotiating, the drunk man agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.

The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk "You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!" The drunk laughed heartily and replied "I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?"The bartender responded "What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!" "The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend", chuckled the drunk. "That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!"

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Bill Gates picks his own punishment

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan."The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan."And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

Types Of Computer Virus

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.

.

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.

5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Camping Jokes

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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?

!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

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An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

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Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War .

.. Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

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One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

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Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

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Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home

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A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !

!Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him."Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !

!" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

i||3galr3pr0duct|on0fa!

h!

a!

j0k3s"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !

! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one".

..

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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."

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There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

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A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

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Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!

?!

?"

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Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

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An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

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Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".

The other replied, "No, it's not!".

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."

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Teacher's Facebook Status

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When it comes to teaching no one can compete with you. Happy teachers day.

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Thanks for being a true mentor of our hearts. Happy Teachers day

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We are fortunate we had a teacher as wonderful loving and caring as You..

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It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge.

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Dear Teacher, Thanks for making us what we are today. Happy teachers Day

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Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

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"To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler—and less trouble."

— Mark Twain

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"I never did very well in math—I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally."

— Calvin Trillin

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"My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers."

— Woody Allen

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"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."

— Louis-Hector Berlioz

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"If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure."

— Bill Gates

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"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."

— Gracie Allen

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"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day."

— Jay Mohr

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"As long as teachers give tests, there will always be prayer in schools."

— Unknown

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School Jokes

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Are You About to Employ a Robot? This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB PsychologyDepartment. It is intended to be used by companies that arerecruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether anapplicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or aLiberal Arts major. Tear off here, and administer test below to students ---------------------------------- Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____ 0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____ 0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee3. On weekends, I go to _____ 0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 104. My favorite hobby is _____ 0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing5. I have taken ______ English classes. 0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto106. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2? 0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer7. What have you learned in school that you value the most? 0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis8. In between classes, I like to _____ 0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____ 0) My manual typewriter 1) The school's word processor 2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____ 0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals11. The best use of a computer is _____ 0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____ 0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out13. What part of speech is "interface"? 0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data14. What do you consider to be paradise? 0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators15. What type of music do you like? 0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise16. What is your favorite game? 0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races17. My favorite Movie show is _____ 0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____ 0) Write it on my arm 1) Derive it during test 2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks19. The person I marry must have_____ 0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port20. What I fear the most is _____ 0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water--------------------------------Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look atthe following table.

00-14 Liberal Arts15-20 Vulcan/Math Major21-40 Robot!


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The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool."Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool." "Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!

?!

?"

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A Teenager is.

.. A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother. A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.


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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say10. Well, how 'bout that?

.

10.I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude .
   .. I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend .
   .. you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.


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Laws of Household PhysicsEver notice that the laws of household
physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.



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Martin had just received his brand new drivers license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car,
where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of
sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming
boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the
back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."



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Mom's Brownies Recipe:
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr.
again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake.
Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot.
Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven




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Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls.
Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's.
(If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.
Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store.
Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.


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The Evolution of Mom Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby.
Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes -

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes. The Baby's Name -

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect! Preparing for the Birth -

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette -

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries -

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities -

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out -

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home -

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.


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A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.
"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business.
All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.
" The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law.
"Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization,
but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."


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My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby MoveFirst Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the HospitalFirst Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

The First StepFirst Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a CutFirst Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.



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.

..

This reminds me of something yesterday at work.
A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old.
They were discussing geography and.

.."Where does mommy live?"

"Minneapolis."

"Where does grandma live?"

"Baltimore."

"Where does grandpa live?"

"Baltimore."

"And where does daddy live?"

"At work!"Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day.

..



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Parent's Dictionary of MeaningsDUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK    : the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME   : what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY    : what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW         : the first word spoken by children with older siblingsPUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF   : a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE  : what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK   : where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL     : able to whine in wordsWHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house



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A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

.
.

[Five minutes later] "Da-ad.

.
." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." [Five minutes later] "Da-aaaad.

.
." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY.

.
.


Can I have a drink of water?

?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!

!" [Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD.

.." "WHAT?

?!

!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"


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You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth.
However, your children are at school! You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the
ones you pushed up on your head?" You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation,
when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!


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My Mother taught me LOGIC.

.."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE.

.."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD.

.."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP.

.."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE.

.."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you.

..Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR.

.."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT.

.."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS.

.."You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

.."Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE.

.."When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

.."Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

.."You are going to get it when we get home." And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE.

.."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"


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Funny Facts

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Did you know that every cat has 32 different muscles in each ear, or that the brain of an octopus is actually smaller than its eye?

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Were you aware that tigers not only have striped fur, but even their skin is striped as well?

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Most people didn’t know that Napoleon Bonaparte actually drew up his battle plans inside of a sandbox.

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John Lennon’s first girlfriend was actually named Thelma Pickles.

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Hungarian piano virtuoso Franz Liszt (1811-1886) would play the piano so well that women in the audience would swoon (faint)
and this actually caused a word - 'Lisztomania' - to be coined while Franz was still alive. As Liszt's popularity grew his fans
would write to him and ask him for a lock of his hair. This happened again and again. Soon Liszt received so many
requests that he started snipping patches of fur from his dog to send to his admirers.

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A quarter of the bones in your body are actually in your feet, seeing as each foot has 26 of the 206 bones in the entire human body.

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Your nose can actually recall over 50,000 different scents and smells.

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Relatively speaking the strongest muscle in the human body is ... the tongue!

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Pound for pound, every unborn child is stronger than an ox.

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Babies are always born with blue eyes.

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A cough leaves your body at 60 miles per hour.

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Your memory is affected by the position of your body.

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You can't tickle yourself. Or rather, you can tickle yourself, but it doesn't work. Try it.
This is actually why some doctors place a ticklish patient's hand over theirs when they examine the patient - it prevents the tickling sensation.

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Your body has enough fat to make approximately 7 bars of soap.

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Earwax is a great 'invention' - without earwax, your ears would contract infections easily. This is particularly important for people
using headphones - since the use of those gadgets cause the bacteria et al. to multiply in the ear ducts.

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66% of the people in the world tilt their heads to the right when they kiss.
Nobody really knows why. Many scientists have speculated that this is something that began in the womb.

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Approx. 66% of people kissing have their eyes closed as they kiss.

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The tradition of kissing is supposed to descend from the ancient Roman tradition of kissing to seal a contract.

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Every time you kiss, you exchange DNA, fats, mineral salts and proteins - plus between 1 and 10 billion bacteria - with the recipient of your kiss.

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A woman in China suffered partial hearing loss after her boyfriend reportedly ruptured her ear
drum by kissing her overly passionately on the mouth. Evidently the kiss caused the pressure in her mouth to be reduced,
which in turn pulled out the eardrum and caused the rupture in the ear.

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If you engage in a quick romantic kiss you will burn approximately 2-3 calories.
If you want to REALLY burn those calories, you need to French kiss (which is where
you kiss with your mouths open to enable tongue contact). Yep, a French kiss will
eradicate more than five calories! :-) If you make your kiss last, though, you will
burn more: approximately 26 calories per minute. Which is great to know, because
the average person will actually spend two full weeks of their life kissing.

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Your brain is 80% water, and uses 20% of the daily calorie and oxygen requirement of your body.

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Your brain is a total energy hog. While the brain only accounts for about three per cent of the body's total weight, the brain actually consumes 17 per cent of the energy the body uses.

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Your brain cannot actually feel pain. Despite the fact that your brain actually processes pain, the actual brain itself is unable to feel any pain at all.

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There is a centre in the brain for jokes. Yep, that's right. The frontal lobe of the brain, particularly the right side, is responsible for your reaction to jokes and humorous anecdotes. Some patients with damage to those particular parts of the brain no longer 'get' jokes at all.

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Today's human brain is supposedly smaller than the average Neanderthal’s brain.

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150 calories are used for every hour you spend banging your head against a wall.

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Kegel exercises (squeezing-and-relaxing which strengthens the human vagina) were invented way back in the 1940s by a man. His name was Arnold Kegel and he was a doctor in Los Angeles, USA.

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The vaginal gymnastics we now call Kegel exercises strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor which is recommended for women after childbirth and for women suffering from urinary incontinence. The funny fact is, however, that there are a number of even more interesting reasons to do Kegel exercises: A woman who exercises her vagina is likely to have an easier time reaching orgasm, her orgasms will be stronger, and her vagina will be more sensitive.
Obviously many men rather like it when their woman has a strong vagina, but in fact men, too, benefit from doing those squeezing exercises. Some versions of Tantra (an ancient sex technique) advocate 'male Kegel exercises' as a prerequisite for male multiple orgasms.

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People with higher IQs are supposed to have more dreams, as well as have a better chance of combating a mental illness.

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You, on average, use about fifty seven squares of toilet paper every day.

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An average person's body - both male and female bodies - produces about half a liter of farts every day, causing them to fart approximately 14 times a day.

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The gas we fart leaves our body at a speed of ten feet (approximately 3 meters) per second.

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100 people on average choke to death on ball point pens every year.

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A roller-ball-tip marking pen was first patented in 1888 - but never actually produced. In 1935 the Hungarian brothers Ladislas and Georg Biro tried again, several times actually, with better luck, but not enough. Their pens didn't work well enough, and after a frenetic period in the 1940 where everybody tried to create the perfect ball point pen - and failed - it was a French fellow by the name of Marcel Bich, who took the ball point pen to the next level. In 1952 Bich introduced his "Ballpoint Bic": a smooth-writing, non-leaky, inexpensive ballpoint pen with a clear barrel. This is the basic form of the ballpoint pen which we know and use today. The British actually still call them Biros, and, as a tribute to their primary inventors many Bic models also say "Biro" on the side of the pen.

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If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days, you will have generated sufficient sound energy to heat up a single cup of coffee.

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The note used for the average American car horn is F.

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Many people would be surprised to learn that the electric chair was actually invented by a dentist.

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The world record for the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction is 1.3 million dollars

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The industry for "naked travel and recreation" has actually grown 233% in the last 10 years.

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Antarctica actually has its own international dialling code, and you can give it a ring by pressing 672 when calling internationally.

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It was actually considered the mark of a leader in ancient Rome when one was born with a crooked nose.

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Dr Seuss is actually the man responsible for coining the word "nerd". It was first used in his book, “If I Ran the Zoo”.

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Most suicides actually happen on Mondays. Apparently everyone seems to hate Mondays.

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'
The world famous entertainer/dinosaur, Barney the Dinosaur, actually comes from Dallas, Texas.

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You have a better chance of dying while going to get your lottery ticket than you do actually winning the lottery.

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If you have four friends that are mentally stable, then you are likely to be ill, as psychiatrists say that 1 in 5 people is mentally ill.

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Most people don’t know that the term "best man" at a wedding used to mean the person that was most adept at kidnapping women. Ancient Scotsmen would actually kidnap their wives to be, and the one who was best at it had the title of best man bestowed upon him.

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In 16th Century France, newly married couples had to stand outdoors stark naked while the groom planted a kiss on the bride’s left foot and toe as a part of the customs of the day

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According to a study, 24% of the homes that have lawns tend to have a lawn ornament of some sort in their front yard.

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The inside of your wallet is actually an incubator for germs. Thanks to the warmth and moisture produced when you sit on your wallet, germs can flourish and grow out of control.

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The first flush toilet in existence is supposed to have dated back to 2000 BC.

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The fact that soap bars can float is actually originally a mistake caused by adding too much air to the bubbles. However, once the errant manufacturers received hundreds of letters stating how customers preferred floating soap, well, many soap bars have floated ever since that day.

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Toothbrushes as we know them were invented in China and used hog bristles or horse hair on ivory handles.

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There is a spoon museum in New Jersey, USA. It contains over 5,400 spoons from places around the world.

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A disposable diaper can hold, on average, as much as seven pounds of liquid.

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Research has shown that babies that suck a lot on pacifiers are more likely to developing earaches.

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The costliest perfume in the world is Parfum VI, and is made exclusively by Arthur Burham. The costly perfume comes in a 24 carat gold bottle encrusted with diamonds, and costs over $71,000.

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Antifreeze contains the same chemicals that are found in a number of deodorants and toothpastes.

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The Romans were the first to use toothpicks as they ate, though they used porcupine quills.

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Teflon is the most slippery substance in the world.

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The wealthy were the only people to use underwear hundreds of years ago.

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On average an office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet.

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There are actually towns in Saskatchewan, Canada, that are named Drinkwater, Eyebrow, and Elbow.

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Riding a bicycle for a trip longer than 50 minutes in Tokyo will actually get you to your destination faster than making the same trip by car.

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There is exactly 1 slot machine for every 8 residents in the city of Las Vegas, Nevada, USA.

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A handy warning to tourists visiting Iceland: 'In this frozen country, tipping is actually an insult'.

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There is a chandelier made out of human bones in a church in Czechoslovakia.

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There is only one penis museum in the world, and this museum dedicated to the science of the penis, or Phallology, is in Reykjavik, Iceland.

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The Great Wall of China was (and is) actually several walls in conjunction with each other. The Great Wall used to run for a total of about 8,850 km (5,500 miles) across the countryside of Northern China. It was meant to keep the (largely Mongolian) enemies of the state out, and amazingly, it worked fairly well, too.

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The three names that are best known in China are: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

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The Buganda people in Uganda have a curious tradition in which the widows of a deceased king had the honor of drinking beer in which the dead king’s entrails had been cleansed.

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Roughly 50% of the newspapers published in the entire world are actually published in Canada and the United States alone.

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It is illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits in Natoma, Kansas, USA.

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In Omaha, Nebraska, USA, it is illegal to sneeze or burp while in church.

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The world’s only flying saucer launching pad is in Saint Paul, Alberta, Canada.

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There was actually an undersea post office in the Bahamas between 1939 and 1942.

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Columbus is responsible for bringing cacao to Europe when he returned from his fourth voyage to the New World in 1502.

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The war between England and Zanzibar in 1896 lasted exactly 45 minutes, after which Zanzibar promptly surrendered.

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In 18th Century Britain you were actually able to take out insurance against going to hell.

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Karl Marx, accredited as the Father of Communism in the Soviet Union, actually never set foot within the borders of Russia.

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"Flipping the bird" (which has little to do with rotating avian creatures, but rather is an act meant to cause offense by extending the central digit of the hand) actually comes from a Roman play written in 423 BC by Aristophanes.

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The Valentine’s Day tradition of sending cards was established in 1840 when the Penny Post made sending messages much cheaper.

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The Mayflower was actually deconstructed and recycled into a barn once it was no longer in use.

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Over the last three and a half millennia, only 230 years have passed in which there has been no war.

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The Mayans tried to make their children fit into their conception of beauty by flattening their heads with a board since birth, as well as walking around perpetually cross eyed.

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The phrase "Good night, sleep tight" comes from the time of William Shakespeare. Mattresses were secured onto bed frames by ropes, and the mattress became tighter when the ropes were pulled, hence the expression.

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The Babylonians are responsible for the term "honeymoon". The name comes from the tradition in which a bridegroom’s parents were bound by custom to keep the bride and groom supplied with a honey wine for the entire month after their wedding.

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Cats sleep approx. 16 to 17 hours every day, making the term cat nap a complete misnomer.

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Armadillos, on the other hand, sleep for an average of 18.5 hours a day. Also, as opposed to cats, Armadillos can walk underwater.

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The Kea bird is a 46-48 cm long bird that lives in New Zealand and loves to eat the rubber sealant around the window of cars.

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The quack of a duck doesn’t echo, and no one has been able to figure out the reason for this.

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Bananas are not only the favorite fruit of many monkeys and humans, they're also the favorite fruit of reindeer.

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Elephants are the only land based animals incapable of jumping.

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What does a giraffe say? Nothing. The giraffe has a huge heart, making it the animal of choice for Marshall Rosenberg's love based Non Violent Communication, a.k.a. giraffe language, but the giraffe has no vocal cords - making Marshall Rosenberg's choice that much more interesting.

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The speed at which termites eat wood doubles when they listen to heavy metal music.

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The eye of an ostrich is bigger than its brain. (Much like that of octopi).

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Butterflies use their feet to taste.

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The average person spends three years out of their life sitting on the toilet.

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In space, astronauts are unable to shed tears when they cry because there is no gravity to pull the tears out.

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More than ten people are killed every year by vending machines (tipovers, possibly because people are messing with them). 

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There are hundreds of weird but true facts out there that most people have no idea about.

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Who knew that eagles mate while still airborne, that a great of officers is actually referred to as a mess, that pearls melt in vinegar ... and hundreds of other bizarre facts.

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While many of these facts are not important facts of life, there are a number of strange but true facts that make for great entertainment.

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We have compiled a long list of some of the most bizarre facts about different areas of life, and these weird but true facts are guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

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By combining force of numbers with organized aggression, ants have become the greatest insect killers on earth - including their own kind.

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Armadillos are able to contract leprosy.

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When the ant is intoxicated, it will always fall over on its right side.

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More people are killed every year by donkeys than by plane crashes.

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During warm weather hippos secrete pink sweat, which helps to not only cool them down but also helps combat infections on their skin.

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It is the female lion that does over 90 percent of the hunting, while the male lion is afraid to risk his life, or simply prefers to rest.

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A crocodile is unable to stick out its tongue.

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The elephant brain weights roughly 6,000 grams. The cat brain weighs about 30 grams. (And despite these weird but true facts, you may find that the average cat is actually more intelligent than the average elephant).

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A dog's naked rear doesn’t leave bacteria when pressed against a carpet.

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The world's smartest pig, owned by a math teacher in Madison, Wisconsin, memorized the multiplication tables up to 12.

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Flies are deaf.

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A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.

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Even a small amount of alcohol placed on a scorpion will make it go crazy and sting itself to death.

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Penguin urine accounts for roughly 3% of the ice in Antarctic glaciers.

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Turtles are able to breathe through their butts.

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A bad case of laryngitis forced Abraham Lincoln to lip-sync the Gettysburg Address. The speech was actually delivered by an aide hidden beneath the stage.

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The word “testify” comes from men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

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The first speeding ticket was given in 1895 in the city of Hampshire. The culprit was fined for clocking the terrific velocity of 6 miles per hour.

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$350,000 was saved every year after an airline company reduced a small piece of olive on every first class passenger's meal in 1987.

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Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (hence the name he gave his creation: Lightbulb)
   
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According to a British law passed in 1845, suicide is a very serious crime for which the punishment was death by hanging.

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Leonardo Da Vinci spent 12 years painting the Mona Lisa's lips.

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Johnny Plessey spent the entire 1981 season batting with a rolled-up and lacquered copy of a newspaper, yet still managed to bat .331 for the Cleveland Spiders.

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King Henry VIII slept with a huge axe.

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An early draft of the Declaration of Independence included a line by Benjamin Franklin inviting King George to "kisse our collective arse".

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During the 1600's, both boys and girls in England wore dresses until they were about seven years old.

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When Hitler's mother conceived him, she considered abortion as a solution until the doctor convinced her to keep the baby. (And look how that turned out!)

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Twenty-nine percent of women spend more time shopping for shoes than they do looking for a lifelong mate.

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The person who invented the waffle iron actually disliked waffles.

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One of every three snakebite victims is drunk, while one out of every five is tattooed.

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One out of every three male motorists picks their nose while driving.

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23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

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40% of all women have thrown their shoes at a man.

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Approximately $25 million is spent every year in Las Vegas on lap dances.

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The average woman uses her height in lipstick every year.

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35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

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Women end up digesting most of the lipstick they apply.

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You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world

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If a native Hawaiian woman places the flower on her right ear, she is available. (The larger and more brightly colored the flower is, the more desperate she probably is.)

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in Chinese, the KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) slogan "finger licking good" translates to "eat your fingers off".

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According to statistics, Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

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The original meaning of "Samba" in the Brazilian Samba dance is "rubbing bellies together”.

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In Japan, it is totally acceptable to name your child "Prostitute" or "Buttocks".

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Public contests were held in ancient Japan to see who was able to fart the loudest and longest.

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Club Direct, a British travel insurance company, offers insurance on protection from falling coconuts.

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The French language has 17 different words for "surrender".

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Among items left behind at Osama bin Laden's headquarters in Afghanistan were 27 issues of MAD magazine. Al Qaeda members have admitted that bin Laden is reportedly an addicted follower of MAD magazine.

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Over 98% of people in Japan are cremated after they die.

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More redheads are born in Scotland than in any other part of the world.

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Malaysians bathe their babies in beer to protect them from disease.

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Dueling is legal in Paraguay, provided that both duelists are registered blood donors.

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British farmers are required by law to provide their pigs with toys.

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Japanese have cultivated a square shaped melon, simply because it was convenient to store in a refrigerator.

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Arab women can file for divorce if their husband doesn't pour coffee for them.

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The glue on Israeli stamps is certified kosher.

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Nearly 10% of American households dress their pets in Halloween costumes.

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Nobody born in Kentucky has even been elected to Congress.

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Forty percent of American adults are unable to fill out a bank slip correctly.

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The average American spends a third of their time online playing games and visiting social networks.

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Fortune cookies were actually invented in 1918 by an American, Charles Jung.

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Anyone convicted of animal cruelty in Sedalia, Missouri, is sentenced to a month's confinement in the county animal shelter.

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George W. Bush was head of his high school's cheerleading team. He was also arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol when he was 30 years old, and is the cousin of Playboy's founder Hugh Hefner.

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George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.

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The U.S Government spent $277,000 in 1993 on pickle research.

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The average American drinks about 600 sodas every year, and eats at McDonald's more than 1,800 times in their life in addition to consuming 9 pounds of food additives every year.

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Only 55% of Americans know that the sun is a star.

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About 2/3 of American men prefer to wear boxers over briefs.

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According to American laws, beer commercials are not legally allowed to show anyone actually drinking the beer.

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California has issued driver's licenses to at least 6 people named Jesus Christ.

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Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

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If Wal-Mart was classified as a country, it would be the 24th most productive country in the world.

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1976, a secretary from Los Angeles named Jannene Swift officially married a 50-lb rock in a ceremony witnessed by more than 20 people.

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In Cleveland, Ohio, it is illegal to trap mice without a hunting license.

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In Nebraska, it is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are brewing a kettle of soup at the same time.

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It is against the law to sneeze or burp in a church in Nebraska.

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Every time you lick the back of a stamp, you absorb roughly one tenth of a calorie.

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Barbie Doll's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

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If you want to sell your home faster, paint it yellow.

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It is very difficult to do, but you can actually start a fire by rubbing two Cool Ranch Doritos together.

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A toothpick is the object choked on most often by Americans.

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Each year, there are more than 40,000 toilet related injuries in the United States alone.

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Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

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A large part, perhaps the majority of the dust in your home consists of your own dead skin.

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Don't try this, but heating up a rock in the microwave will cause the rock to explode.

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Coke was originally colored green.

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Honey is the only thing that will not rot or spoil.

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If you talk on the phone for more than an hour, the amount of germs and assorted debris in your ear will increase by 700 times.

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Lighters were invented before matches.

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