3:28 AM
Aksh
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Funny quotes and funny sayings galore - all for you to explore!
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May this rare treasure of humorous quotes that we give away truly inspire an absolute wondrous day!
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Alright, enough with this poetic wit, let's get on with some good funny quotes sh...!
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I can resist everything except temptation.
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A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
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Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
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I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
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The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
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Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you'll be right.
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I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
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The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
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The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
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When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
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On cable TV they have a weather channel -- 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window.
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Television is like the American toaster, you push the button and the same thing pops up everytime.
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My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
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And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"
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There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.
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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
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God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
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The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
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In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.
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There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
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Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
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As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
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By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
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The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
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When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
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The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
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If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
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I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
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To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
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Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.
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Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
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If everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane!
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
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I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.
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Funny quotes and funny sayings galore - all for you to explore!
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May this rare treasure of humorous quotes that we give away truly inspire an absolute wondrous day!
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Alright, enough with this poetic wit, let's get on with some good funny quotes sh...!
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I can resist everything except temptation.
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A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
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Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
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I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
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The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
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Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you'll be right.
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I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
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The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
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The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
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When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
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On cable TV they have a weather channel -- 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window.
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Television is like the American toaster, you push the button and the same thing pops up everytime.
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My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
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And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"
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There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.
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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
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God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
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The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
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In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.
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There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
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Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
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As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
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By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
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The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
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When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
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The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
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If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
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I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
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To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
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Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.
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Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
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If everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane!
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
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I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.
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